The Complete Box Set: Saving Her Read online

  “No please! I don’t want to sleep,” I said as my body fell limp. “No.”

  “It’s okay sweetie.”

  “Logan please,” was the last thing I remember saying.

  I woke up hours later. It was still dark outside. I shook violently but stopped when I felt a strong hand on my shoulder.

  “I’m here Sam.”

  “Logan.” I let all the air out of my lungs. The relief filled me.

  “Yeah, it’s me. Sam, what’s going on?”

  I somehow managed to get myself up to seated and tuck myself into a ball. I curled myself up as tight as I possibly could and cried. I couldn’t stop. Logan crawled into the bed next to me and pulled me into him.

  “They won’t stop,” I whispered through my tears. “They won’t go away…. the memories, but don’t tell Dana! Don’t let her see me!”

  “I won’t Sam. It’s okay.”

  He pulled me off his chest and forced me to look at him. I tried to turn away, but he gently pulled me back.

  “What happened Sam? What did they do to you? Please tell me. If not me, then someone else, but you can’t keep this hidden. This kind of secret will destroy you.”

  “I can’t tell you Logan. You’ll see me different. I don’t want you to see me different. I’m gross. I hate this body. I hate it! I hate it,” I screeched. I was going crazy.

  I tried to scratch at my face and body. The pain was too much. It needed an outlet. It was like sparks in my body, and if didn’t let them out I’d fall apart. Logan grabbed my hands before I could inflict real damage on myself and held them there. I struggled for a bit but then my arms fell limp.

  “There is nothing wrong with you Sam. Nothing! Do you hear me? Something is deeply wrong with the men who did this to you, and I can promise they will spend the rest of their days in prison.”

  I looked at him, and I just snapped. I was done trying to deny the truth.

  “They raped me,” I whimpered. “And I didn’t fight. It all hurt too much. I let them…” I fell into his lap and cried again. I sobbed hysterically until I couldn’t breathe. He stroked my hair back and didn’t say anything until my tears finally slowed down and I was able to catch my breath.

  “Sam, you are the strongest woman I know, will ever know and have ever known. I guarantee you that you didn’t go down without a fight, even if they paralyzed you physically, you fought with your words! You didn’t want this. You aren’t broken. God, Sam, I wish you could see what I see. I wish you could understand what we all see. You just went to pure hell to save my sister. I have no words for the kind of woman you are. What you feel now is a lie. Do you understand me?”

  I stopped crying and laid there in silence for a while, letting myself feel the warmth and safety of his body around me. It was about twenty minutes later when I spoke again.

  “They just kept hurting me Logan. I thought I was going to die.”

  He stroked my hair. “I’m listening Sam. Just talk. Let it out.”

  And I did. For the next, who knows how long, I vented. Cried. Yelled. Whenever a nurse came in Logan snapped at them to go away. He held me the whole time while I relived and retold every horrific detail of what happened. He didn’t try and fix it, he just listened. When I was done, I felt him slip a paper in my hand.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s your mom’s letter.”

  “You kept it again?”

  “Yeah, you’re bad at keeping it,” he said with a wink and a nudge.

  I finally smiled, and then it was gone.

  “I wish she was here. I wish it so bad.” I felt like I did the day I first found out I was going to be adopted, vulnerable and alone.

  “I know Sam. I know. Honestly, me too. I wish I knew how to help you. I just want to make this go away for you and I can’t.”

  I let myself stay leaning against him and his warmth, strength and protection.

  “I want you to keep this Sam. Reread it. Remember it. She knew what to say better than I ever could. I don’t want to lose you again. You understand? I can’t lose you again.”

  “You don’t want to lose me again?”

  “No,” he said firmly. “I don’t.”

  “But… but you don’t hate me?”

  “Sam, I never really did. Even if I thought I did for a while, I think you just proved yourself ten times over. I, well, I’m not going to be an asshole. I have a lot to say. A lot to say in response to your call but it has to wait until you are ready.”

  “I’m damaged now Logan. I won’t be the same. And Jazmine...she ...I….”

  I fell back onto the bed. Logan leaned back with me and held my arm protectively.

  “I’m happy with whatever version of you I get, as long as it’s you. Okay? And Jazmine is the luckiest freaking girl to have you. You adore her, and she adores you. She’s smart, kind and gentle and despite her age, you raised her to understand. She will understand you having some struggles Sam. Just don’t stop fighting, and I’ll be here to help you. You don’t have to do it all alone anymore.”

  I put my head on Logan’s shoulder.

  “I’m gonna go to sleep. All this crying is exhausting. Please stay here. I feel safer when you are around.”

  “I’ll be right here. I promise.”

  I nodded as Logan got comfortable and situated on the bed. He held me close to him, and I was finally able to sleep. The dreams and memories were still there, but Logan holding me made them less powerful. I shifted around a bit, but even in my sleep, I’d feel his strong grip on me tighten and somehow I’d calm down. He stopped me from the screaming fits I’d had hours earlier.

  The next few days were rough between physical therapy, trying to heal physically, unsuccessfully meeting with the cops and trying to be strong for the people I loved. After that night with Logan, I didn’t break down in front of anyone again. I felt so much shame, guilt and embarrassment for ever having confessed that much to Logan, and Logan knew I was trying to pretend like that night never happened. He didn’t say anything, but every time I said I was fine there was a look of disappointment on his face that was undeniable.

  On day ten of my hospital stay Dana came in my room. “Hey, how are you?”

  “I’m okay.” I sat up to face her.

  “Well, um, Gunner’s here. If you still want to see him. It’s one-hundred percent up to you.”

  “No! I want to see him,” I said quickly.

  “Okay, I’ll send him in. I’ll be right outside. Call me if you need me, okay?” Dana was clearly very nervous. I didn’t blame her. From her perspective, this was probably a nightmare as well.

  “Okay, thanks Dana.”

  She simply nodded and walked out. Logan was with Jazmine. I don’t think her or Logan were ready for Logan and Gunner to interact again. They had worked together to save me but hadn’t spoken since. Within a few minutes, Gunner’s large tattooed frame was in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.

  “Shut the door,” I said, tucking my knees into my chest protectively.

  He nodded and shut it behind him. He then leaned against the wall and eyed me carefully.

  “Well, you look, better?” he said it like he didn’t mean it but didn’t know what else to say in the moment.

  “Yeah, I’m convinced now,” I frowned. “So... you and Dana?”

  Gunner ran his hand over his face. “Yeah, she’s a friend?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Is that a question?”

  “No, we are friends.”

  “Apparently for years now.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Gunner! How could you befriend Dana? You know what kind of person she is and what kind of life you lead? How could you put her in that kind of danger?”

  “I was beyond careful. I would never let anything happen to her.”

  “You mean like get taken by a group of psycho druggies?” I snapped.

  He sighed. “I had no idea Dana would turn in the whole fucking organization into the polic
e?! The fucking feds. I was there as soon as I found out she was taken.”

  I looked down at my knees.

  “Thank you for saving her. I was so scared something was going to happen to her. She was so scared. I would have hated myself if something happened to her because I was an idiot and joined in with you guys years ago.”

  “Yeah, I would have hated myself too. Look, Sam, I know I’m a selfish asshole for ever having befriended her, okay? I feel like shit about it, but I do truly care about her. I wouldn’t hurt her.”

  “Gunner I am giving you this warning now. You may not hurt her on purpose, but you can hurt her heart. She may want things that you won’t give her. Your choice of job is dangerous to her. If you want to be her friend you need to get over your shit, and I can say that fairly now because I have my own pile of shit to deal with.”

  His expression was guarded and unreadable. I used his silence as permission to keep going.

  “Speaking of your shit, how do you feel about everything? I realize you gave up your place in your little drug ring when you saved me. You could have gotten away with saving Dana but not me as well. So first I owe you a thank you. I know I’m rambling, but you saved me from something awful, a true nightmare. I don’t care why you did it. All I care about in this instance is that you got me the hell out of there. So for that, I owe you deeply, and I still kind of owe you from last time. Anyway, so now that that is said, how are you? What are your plans going forward?”

  “That’s a big question,” he said running his hands over his chin. “My life is in a state of flux you could say. Dana got me immunity from any previous drug involvement or crimes, so I just have to see what I’m going to do now.”

  “Well, you should know. I believe in you, Gunner. You may be slightly sociopathic, but somewhere in there is a good guy. Just, geez, I love Dana. Please keep her in mind when you plan out your next steps. Don’t drag her into something that is dangerous, and then she is too attached to you to come out of it. She’s been hurt once already.”

  “I hear you,” he said. He looked me directly in the eyes as he spoke, letting me know he was serious. “How are you doing… with everything?”

  As he asked me this, he came and sat on my bed still eyeing me in typical Gunner fashion. I untucked my legs and lifted the blanket up to my chest.

  “Well, you know what happened. You’ve seen it before I’m sure,” I winced. “So, with that said you probably know I’m not okay.”

  He nodded. “I’m really am sorry I couldn’t get there sooner.”

  “Or been nicer on my way out,” I only half-joked.

  He shrugged. “I was focused on getting us both out alive.”

  “Well, Tim went insane.”

  “Yeah, he did. It happened a few years ago. His drug usage increased and intensified. He became power and money hungry. He started doing insane things. It was stressful to be a part of at the end. I am a criminal, but I’ve always had a code. I watched as everyone around me become more sick and twisted. It was exhausting maintaining the little bit of morality I had left.”

  “Are you mad at Dana for ending everything? Turning you all in.”

  “Yes and no. I was beyond pissed when I first found out. I wanted to kill her, but when I found out she was taken all I could think about was saving her. So after that I figured if I cared about her that much there’s no point in ruining everything over my probably misplaced anger.”

  “Well that’s mature.”

  “Yeah. Are you mad at her?”

  “No! She would have never gotten involved in this if it wasn’t for me.”

  “You still think I’m bad for her?”

  “You know you are. I don’t need to tell you that.”

  Gunner looked at his knees and then abruptly stood up.

  “I should go.”

  I nodded. “Thank you again. Remember that I owe you one. If you need anything, anything at all, let me know. I know this is a hard time in your life.”

  He ignored me and headed for the door. Before he left he popped his head back in and in a rare moment of sincerity, he looked at me compassionately.

  “Just so you know. I’m an asshole and all that, but how I found you will haunt me forever. I am just not good at knowing how to handle feeling that way.”

  With that, he was gone. Gunner was always fascinating. I may be worried about Dana being with him, but I get it. Gunner was two men in one, each battling for a spot in his life.

  Chapter 19:

  It was on day fifteen that Logan and I decided it was the time I see Jazmine. I wanted to wait even longer, but I was getting released in a day or so. We decided we wanted to give Jazmine a day to process without me at the house so she could talk or vent to Logan freely without worrying about me overhearing. I was finally able to walk at this point as long as someone supported me, or I had a walker. My pain meds had been reduced quite a bit, and I felt a lot less dizzy and nauseous. Despite almost being released I still had a multitude of doctors and psychiatrist appointments to look forward to when I got out. Logan and Dana committed to taking me to all of them.

  I had Alexa help me with my makeup and getting dressed the day Jazmine was due to visit. Alexa was very good at hiding her emotions, unlike Dana, so I figured she would be the best person to put my makeup on and see my body as I got dressed. The clothes Dana brought me to wear were baggy and soft, so they didn’t hurt my skin. Despite Alexa’s usually great job at hiding her true feelings, her eyes went wide when she helped me take off my hospital gown.

  “Oh my God Sam.”

  “You aren’t helping Alexa. I need bitchy Alexa right now, not the one who gives a fuck. Okay?”

  She shook her head quickly several times as if she was trying to shake out her feelings. Even though she did better, her usually dominant, vulgar demeanor was dimmed. She tried to make jabs and inappropriate remarks, but I could tell she was horrified by my body. After an hour of her doing my hair and makeup, she took a look at me in my bed and gave me a thumbs up.

  “You look good! I mean you are still injured and shit, but you look as good as you can look all things considered.”

  “Is Jazmine going to be horrified? That’s all I care about.”

  “No, she’ll be fine.” The look on her face was not convincing.

  Logan came in a few minutes later and hugged Alexa and thanked her. I was so glad to see them getting along. After Logan hugged Alexa, in her typical fashion, she gave me a huge grin and a wink. I laughed and shook my head before turning back to Logan.

  “You look very nice.” His voice was polite and professional, but not warm or personal.

  “Are you sure? Everyone seems mortified by me all of the sudden, and I don’t want to upset Jazmine.”

  Logan took a seat in the chair next to me. “Nobody’s mortified by you first of all. Second, Jazmine will be fine. Of course, it will make her sad to see you hurt, but I have prepared her. She’s strong like her mother. Okay?”

  I nodded.

  “You got this. Do you want me here or do you want some alone time with her?”

  “I should probably do this alone.”

  “I agree. Well, she’s right outside. I’ll go grab her. Good luck.” He squeezed my hand before walking out.

  “Yeah thanks,” I mumbled as I pushed myself up to seated.

  It was like a bright light came into my room as Jazmine slowly entered. She looked uncomfortable at first as she slowly made her way over to me. She looked adorable and was very clearly being spoiled rotten by Logan, not that I was surprised. She was wearing a beautiful little blue and white dress with white tights, and her hair was curled. It was adorable that she got all dressed up for me.

  “Mommy,” she whispered sadly as she reached across my bed and crawled right in to sit next to me.

  “Hi baby,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her. “Don’t you look beautiful…and spoiled.”

  She gave me a small smile. “LP spoils me.”

  “I’m not surp
rised but don’t get used to it. Okay? I don’t want you getting too spoiled.”

  “Yes, mommy.”

  I looked down at my hands.

  “Are you mad at me that I didn’t tell you LP was your daddy?” I’d never get used to calling Logan LP. It was so weird.

  “A little,” she admitted quietly. “But you made a mistake, and you are super sorry, so I’m not really mad. Besides he found me again!” There was a light in her eyes as she spoke about her father.

  “Yes, he did baby. Yes, he did.”

  Then she reached up and touched what I figured was a bruise on my face. I still hadn’t looked in the mirror due to doctor’s orders, not that I wanted to anyway.

  “Ouch,” she said as a tear fell down her cheek. I wiped it away quickly.

  “A little ouch but I’m here, and I have you, so I’m okay. I promise. Please don’t cry.”

  I needed her to be okay. I had spent so much time getting prepared for her visit I never actually thought about how I would feel if she wasn’t okay. It hit me that now that Jazmine had time to see my injuries in person she was most definitely not okay. Even after I tried to reassure her that I was fine, Jazmine broke down in tears and told me how sad she was, how scared she was, how much she loved me. I tried to help her, but I was stunned and reaching my emotional cap. It was several minutes into Jazmine’s emotional meltdown before Logan heard her from the hallway. He came in rather quickly and picked her up from the bed. She screamed for me, but I just sat there paralyzed and shaking. It was the first time as a mother that I was completely unsure of what to do. Logan was able to whisper something in her ear to get her to be quiet. She said bye to me and tucked her head into his shoulder. When they left I laid in bed with the covers over my head. Logan called me like ten times trying to reassure me Jazmine would be okay by the time the shock wore off. I put on a fake cheery voice to assure him I was okay and excited to see them.