Axel: A Romantic Suspense Novel Read online

  Then I yelled at Sarah, at Ryan, and at rape.

  At myself mostly, and everything that had blown my life up in smithereens. I punched the wall repeatedly until my hand was dangling at an awkward angle. When I had nothing left to give and I felt numb, I called my dad.

  “Axel? It’s almost midnight. Where are you? What’s wrong?” His groggy voice echoed through the phone.

  “Dad, I did something. Something bad.”

  “Hold on.” I could hear Dad getting out of bed and walking into the hallway. “What happened?”

  “I beat someone badly, Dad. He’s not in good shape.”

  “Axel!” he yelled. “What the hell do you mean? You can’t beat up on random people because you have anger issues. That’s no excuse…”

  I cut him off. “He’s not random, Dad.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He raped Sarah!” I yelled into the phone as if it was my dad’s fault. “He raped her and now she…” My voice broke. I was going to cry again.

  Dad’s voice softened. “Where are you, Axel?”

  “I’ll turn myself in. I swear. I just need a minute.”

  “I’m not coming with the cops, but we don’t have a lot of time before whoever it is tells someone and I want to talk to you first. Where are you?”

  “I’m in the alley off 7th Street.”

  “How did you get all the way over…” He stopped as if he answered his own question. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  The phone clicked, and I slid down the wall. I put my hands on my knees and looked down. Time froze. I just stared down. Dad was there in what seemed like an instant. He must have been speeding. Thiswas the point in my life where Dad earned my respect. He came alone, not with my mom, the cops, or anyone else. He knew I needed a man.

  “Axel,” my dad called out in the night.

  I used my hands and pushed myself up. My body felt heavy. My dad looked down at my hands and the wall that I had punched repeatedly. I could see the shock in his face, but he pulled himself together quickly.

  “Come here,” he said.

  I walked over to him until we were standing face to face. We stared at each other for a minute and then my dad’s stance softened, and he looked at me gently.

  “Come here.”

  He extended his hands, and I immediately fell into his arms. I cried in Dad’s arms for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, I pulled away.

  “I’m so sorry, Axel. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling. I know she is special to you. Does anyone else know she’s been raped?”

  “No, I…this is my fault. I just found her! He was buckling his fucking pants, Dad. I took her home; she was bleeding. I wanted to take her to the hospital, but she wanted to talk to her parents first. She’s with them.”

  “Axel. Listen to me right now. This is not your fault. What happened to Sarah is…” He sighed. “There are no words. However, you have to take responsibility for…”

  “Ryan. Ryan fucking Oakland,” I growled.

  “It was Ryan?” he asked.

  He had not seen the body I’d hidden behind the dumpster.

  “Yeah, it was him.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “One hundred percent.”

  “I’ll make sure he goes to prison, Axel. I promise you. No matter what happens with you, I will make sure.”

  “Thank you, Dad.”

  He nodded, and there was a pause.

  “I wanted to kill him,” I said quietly. “I did, but Sarah stopped me. She pulled me out of my rage.”

  Dad sighed again. “She’s always good at that.”

  “Yeah, she is.”

  “Let’s leave that last part out of what we tell the police, okay?” Dad said with a small smile.

  I smiled back. “Yeah, good idea.”

  Dad loaded me in the car and took me to the police station where I confessed. Ryan was taken to the hospital. Unfortunately, he was fine. He woke up soon after arriving. In terms of my sentencing, that was a good thing.

  Dad left soon after dropping me off. He said he had to check on my mom. I waited in an interrogation room for what seemed like forever. There was a lot of commotion in the station, and I wondered what else could have possibly happened that night in our small little town. My legs danced around nervously as I waited for the officer. Where was Sarah? Was she okay? How did her parents take it? Endless questions were rolling through my head when an officer walked in. He was African American, young, and had a stern face with a friendly demeanor.

  “Hello, my name is Officer Reed Dixon. I’m here because you confessed to assaulting Ryan Oakland. Is that correct?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “You were friends with Sarah Proctor?”

  “Yes, sir,” I whispered.

  The officer sighed and pulled out the chair in front of me. He took a seat and made sure to make strong eye contact with me as he spoke.” I am sorry to inform you that Sarah Proctor was found dead less than an hour ago. She killed herself. Do you know anything about that?”

  I paled. “No, she’s not. I just saw Sarah. Ryan raped her. That’s why I beat the shit out of him, but she’s alive. Don’t say shit like that!” My voice quivered and tears fell from my eyes. “She’s okay. Her parents are going to take her to the hospital.”

  “Do you have proof Ryan Oakland raped her?”

  “I saw them…she’s bleeding. She… Where’s my dad? My mom? They know. My dad said he’d help.”

  “I’m afraid they aren’t here. Theysaid they needed time to process all this.”

  My heart burned. Why weren’t theythere for me? I fucked up badly, but I still needed them here. Why weren’t they here?

  “And, sir, Sarah Procotor, I’m very sorry, but she is gone. We will need to know everything you can tell us about the events that occurred tonight.”

  “No, she wouldn’t leave me,” I said sounding totally defeated and more like a broken little girl than the fighter I was.

  “Son…” he said, shaking his head. “She’s not here.”

  “NO!” I yelled. I stood up so abruptly that my chair went flying back. “Don’t say that! Don’t fucking say that! She’s here!”

  “Sir, you need to calm down, or I will have to restrain you. I really do not want to have to do that.”

  I let out a pathetic whimpering sound and sat down shakily.

  “We found this by her body. “The officer extended his arm and a letter rested in his palm. “She was found in her room. It looks like she never spoke with her parents. We are thinking she snuck in the side door and wrote this letter before, well, you know what happened after that. I will lock you up tonight. You’ll have time to think through your version of tonight’s events and read your letter in somewhat peace and quiet. I really am sorry for your loss.”

  He stood up and led me to my cell. He could have done whatever he wanted with me; I was in a trance. I couldn’t register anything. There was no way Sarah was gone.

  When I got into my private cell, I walked to the corner and slowly opened the letter. Tears immediately started pouring down my face.

  Axel,

  I am writing this letter as a goodbye and a thank you and an I love you, and, lastly, as an apology. You are my best friend, the love of my life, the reason for my happiness in this dark world. I know you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to. What happened today...I just don’t think I can get back what he took, Axel. So much happened, more than you even know. My parents care about me, and they’ll be sad, but it’s not real love. The only person who has ever really loved me is…well, you. I can’t do that to you.

  You can’t be the one putting me back together and in charge of loving me and keeping me alive when I just don’t want to be here anymore. I realized after what happened; I couldn’t be the Sarah you know. I’d rather you remember me how I was, remember our good times. That’s what I want. Last night, you loved me, respected me, carried me home, and held me until I felt somewhat
safe again. That’s the guy this world deserves.

  You’ve got this Axel!

  Don’t let that anger ruin the guy I love. Hang in there for me. You’ve always been my rock, and you are damn sexy. Let someone else love you. Forget me…Well, please don’t, but let me go. Let yourself live and leave the stupid girl next door who couldn’t stay strong for you behind.

  Onto logistics, I don’t want a funeral. I really don’t. It’ll be fake. My parents only partially care. I promise, in three to five days, they will be over it. This is not me being a dramatic teen. It is just experience. I want to be cremated. The only reason I am crying is because I am leaving you, but I am excited to leave this world...this pain. I am so sorry I couldn’t keep my promise to you Axel. Well, it’s time for me to go. I’ll always be with you, watching you… keeping an eye on you. Keeping you in check. I love you so much. Don’t be mad. Please. Breathe, remember? Go box. You’ll be apro one day, you know? Anyway, I need to stop with the advice. I love you.

  Don’t do something stupid. - Goodbye. I love you.

  That letter got me through my time in juvie. Sarah’s death destroyed me. I saw her walk up to the front door and I spent every waking moment wondering what the hell happened. My parents never came to visit me, even though I knew Dad was fighting behind the scenes to get me released and to get justice for Sarah. They weren’t there for emotional support, though. No one fucked with me in juvie because of my size, but I was alone and devastated.

  Sarah was right; her parents moved on quickly. They played no role in getting Ryan convicted and had already adopted another child. It broke my heart when I found that out. I understood Sarah’s pain in a way I never had before. I hated myself for not having seen the depth of it sooner. After seven-and-a-half months, Dad got Ryan convicted, and I was let out of juvie two weeks later, only eight months into my sentence. The only condition of my release was anger management and therapy until I turned eighteen. Both of my parents were there to pick me up that day, but everything was different. Between Sarah being gone, everything that had played out with Ryan, and my time in juvie, I had changed and the minute they saw me…they knew it.

  “Axel. Axel,” my mom said, bringing me back out of my memory.

  “Uh, yeah,” I grunted in response. I looked over at her and saw Dad standing in the doorway as well.

  “What’s going on, boy?”

  Dad always called me “boy.” I hated it because it sounded so impersonal, but whatever. It was not like I could tell him that without sounding like a total pussy.

  “Nothing, forget it.”

  Dad held up the broken pieces of my phone with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t even see Mom pick it up.

  “I said it’s nothing!” I snapped.

  “I’m going to go start dinner,” Mom said hurriedly and rushed out of the room.

  Dad stayed in the doorway. “Are you going to tell me now?”

  “No.”

  “Axel!” He took a step towards me. “Tell me now, or I make a second therapy appointment for the week.”

  “It’s all the local articles and shit. It’s like she never existed. I hate this town. I don’t belong here.”

  “We’ve discussed this, Axel. When you are eighteen, you can explore the world and find your place, but until then, you have to find a way to keep it together. Focus on your boxing. You are excelling at that.”

  “I know.” I nodded.

  “You can’t keep destroying stuff. Honestly, I can’t afford it. This phone is on you. If you want a new phone, you have to get it yourself.”

  Dad shook his head and walked out. When the sound of his footsteps disappeared, I slammed my fists into my pillow repeatedly. At least the pillow couldn’t break.

  Humans could.

  I could.

  …but pillows never did.

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Two

  *2 YEARS LATER*

  I glanced down at my Church program. It was the same faded blue paper that the Church had used to print their music missals for years. My fingers tightened their grip on the program, and I slowly took a deep breath. It didn’t matter how many times I put on my Sunday dress and went to our local church, something about it never felt quite right.

  I loved Jesus, God, and being a Christian, but I still felt like there was more to me than this bubble I was living in. I had a best friend, Brandon. I had two good Christian parents who had been agood influence on me, even if that came with certain expectations. Expectations I wasn’t sure I could ever truly fulfil. They wanted me to be a good Christian woman, get married, have kids, and live this good, pure life. The problem had always been that, in my heart, that sounded boring. I knew I fit the part well so far. I wore bright clothes – dresses – and I was as nice to everyone as I could be. I was abstinent and loyal, but I still felt like something was missing from my life.

  Today was my birthday. Turning eighteen would be the start of an adventure because after church I was telling my parents I bought myself a one-way ticket to Seattle. I wasn’t planning on moving. I just needed to take some time to try and find myself. I didn’t know why I picked Seattle. Maybe because it was an easy train ride from my hometown of Salem, Oregon.

  The city called my name.

  My parents were going to be mad, furious, actually, which was why I bought my ticket on my own and didn’t plan on telling them until today. I glanced at my watch. My train boarded at six p.m. The only person who knew was Brandon. Looking over at him – his back straight and his eyes focused on the pastor – I knew he was pissed. He told me Seattle wouldn’t be good for me, said there would be a lot of temptation and begged me not to go. It was our first fight. I didn’tget worked up often, but I was tired of feeling stifled by everyone because of my faith. I could be a good person and a Christian and still see the world and enjoy life. I knew I didn’t have to pick one and they all acted as if I did.

  I watched Dad singing passionately as the choir performed “Halleluiah.”

  I loved that song. It was one of my favorites, but sometimes I couldn’t understand why Dad loved it so much. Dad acted like he was all about forgiveness in church, but the second I messed up, he was sure quick with his hands and his words. Being hit hurt, but was nothing compared to the sting of being told you are a disappointment for years on end.

  The pastor began the sermon, and I laughed as he began to talk about living with temptation. He talked about desires of the flesh, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony that he was discussing this today – the day I was leaving for Seattle. I put my hands in my lap politely but had to keep my head down so no one would see me giggling. After a while, I felt a pair of eyes on me, and I glanced up to see Dad burning holes in my head with his gaze.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  He glared at me. I was in serious trouble. He was all about politeness and respect, and for the women…silence. I was taught to be quiet and do what I was told. That wasn’t exactly in my nature.

  The minute we went home, I told them we needed to talk. They were intrigued. As usual, I got word vomit. I shot the truth at them.

  “Mom, Dad. As you know, I’m turning eighteen today, and as a birthday gift to myself, I bought a ticket to Seattle. I’ll be staying there for a while. I want to…”

  “What?!” Dad yelled, cutting me off.

  I swallowed. “I’m going to Seattle. Tonight.”

  “Like hell you are!” he screamed.

  “I’m going! I’m so sorry, but I’m an adult. You can’t make me stay.”

  They were furious. My mom cried as if this was some big tragedy and Dad put his foot down. He was a good guy but was prone to violence when things didn’t go his way. They yelled, and I ran for my room. I didn’t need to listen to them put me down…again. As I ran for the stairs, Dad grabbed the hem of my dress and jerked me back. I was scared, but I stood firm as I toppled down the last few stairs. I grabbed the hem of my dress and jerked it away from his grasp. I ran up the stairs faster before h
e could catch me again and locked my door. I was leaving early for the train station. I didn’t have to sit here and listen to this. Dad was still banging on the door, and my mom cried for me to come back downstairs.

  When the taxi I called told me he was outside, I faced my fear and went down the stairs again where Dad was now sitting with my mom. I went to Mom and hugged her. I could feel her tears on my face.

  “I’ll be back,” I told her quietly. “I won’t be gone long. It’s just a little get-to-know-me trip. I promise.”

  “You can’t promise anything! You aren’t going anywhere!” Dad yelled, grabbing my shoulders and jerking me around.

  “Dad! You’re scaring me,” I whimpered.

  “My daughter is not going to be some slut.”

  I closed my eyes, apologized to God, and slapped Dad square across the face. I heard Mom gasp as I ran out the door as fast as I could. The cab driver looked up from the puzzle he had been doing on his cell phone and smiled at me. I didn’t say anything but got in the vehicle as fast as I could, slamming the door behind me.

  “Drive!” I said as Dad approached the car. “Hurry!”

  The cab driver didn’t say anything; his hands shook as he put the keys in the ignition and drove off, leaving my parents in the background. The minute he drove away, I started crying.

  “Is everything okay, ma’am?” the older cabbie asked.

  “Yes, sir. I just… Well, it’s complicated. Thank you for rushing.”

  “Of course. Where are we headed?”

  “The train station, please.” I leaned my head back against the seat. My head was throbbing, probably from anxiety.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I dozed off. Thirty minutes later, we pulled up. I paid him and got out. I had never been in a train station before. In fact, I rarely left Salem. There were all sorts of people, and I was grateful I changed out of my church dress. My blonde hair was still curled, and I was wearing a light-yellow sweater, jeans, flats, and a long white necklace. Slightly more casual than my fancy church attire. I looked at my ticket so I could see where I was headed. I planned to hang out in that area so I didn’t get lost and miss my train. When I got over there, I texted Brandon and my parents an apology. Once I’d hit the send button and tucked my phone away in my bag, Iheard my stomach growl and realized it was around three in the afternoon, and I still hadn’t eaten.